There are few things more terrifying than allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Given the definition of “vulnerable” – to be susceptible to being wounded, open to attack, criticism and aggression, I guess it’s no wonder. Even as I write this my heart stops. Vulnerability and I have had a very challenging relationship over the years, and in my darkest times of not feeling enough, vulnerability – or my refusal to embrace it – created significant pain and havoc in my life.
In trying to protect myself, I tried vigilantly to eliminate vulnerability from my vocabulary. After all, it’s a weakness, right? In a warrior’s world, who wants the threat of exposing their true self? There’s no way you can stay safe if you’re open, if you lay yourself bare, if you can’t go solo, if you’re…well, “soft”.
I didn’t do “soft”…
So for years that was my excuse for not stepping into vulnerability. I didn’t want to feel uncertainty, fear, exposure, risk or judgement…so I armoured up. I would not let myself be vulnerable. I carefully pulled my shields up around me and kept the outside world out. I didn’t need help, I was a solo player, I was strong, unassailable, and in complete control.
Or so I thought.
But in truth, I ran from vulnerability because I feared exposure. I feared the real world seeing me for who I truly was and not stacking up. I feared risking failure, I feared uncertainty, and letting my emotional guard down. Above all, I feared judgement. Mine and others. If I worked perfect, looked perfect, acted perfect then I would be protected. I would be secure. Damn, I’d rather have root canal therapy than admit to being vulnerable.
Really? So how did that work out for me??
Not so well. Now there’s a surprise!
I believed that being closed, guarded and insular would make me safe…and to a degree it did – but at what cost? Because it sure as hell didn’t make me happy.
I thought walking around in my armour would protect me from being hurt – it didn’t. It just protected me from being seen for who I really was. I was striving to create a world that just didn’t exist.
I equated vulnerability to bravery…
I believed that you couldn’t be vulnerable and be brave at the same time. What took weeks on the road to understand, is that to be vulnerable is to be truly courageous.
As Brene Brown beautifully explains, the word “courage” comes from the Latin word “cor” meaning heart – to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. That means the courage to be imperfect. Allowing ourselves to risk emotionally, to be exposed, to surrender to uncertainty takes every ounce of courage that we have. Without a doubt, vulnerability is the ultimate act of courage.
And you’re going to need that courage…because in being vulnerable, we allow ourselves to be seen, deeply seen…flaws, warts, emotional (ok, and physical) wrinkles and all. We allow ourselves to be truly exposed. We allow ourselves to love with our whole hearts even though there’s no guarantee. We allow ourselves to surrender to the unknown, and to feel and give compassion.
And yep, that can be really scary. Especially for those suffering from “perfection” and “control” issues!
But the biggest gift?
Vulnerability enables us to be our authentic selves – to be the person we’re truly meant to be. And how good does that feel? To let go of the pretence, the façade, the scaffolding that we’ve so carefully constructed around ourselves. When we lay down that heavy armour of protection, it’s like a ten-ton weight has been lifted off our bodies…and our souls.
We get to breathe – finally. We get to be our beautiful, wild, unpredictable and completely imperfect, perfect selves.
When we’re vulnerable, we give ourselves permission to release who we thought we were meant to be and celebrate who we are – exactly as we are. It takes real courage to show up and be seen, to ask for what you need, to talk openly about how you’re feeling and to have the tough conversations…but damn, it’s so worth it!
What’s is about…
It’s about putting your hand out first, investing in relationships that may or may not work out, surrendering to the unknown, being willing to take a risk even though there are no guarantees. It’s about letting the certain be uncertain, being brave enough to make connections, being ok with imperfection. It’s about showing up – putting yourself out there – fearing failure but going for it anyway.
It’s about loving with your whole heart. Completely.
Being vulnerable is sometimes like being on an emotional roller coaster. It can be completely terrifying…but in that terror, we’re truly alive! When we’re hanging out there exposed and naked (so to speak!) we’re on fire. We are at our authentic best…even if the fire is hot!
It’s about connection…
It’s not about it being comfortable, it’s about it being necessary. Because without vulnerability, it is impossible for us to truly connect. Connection is why we’re here – it what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. We’re all longing for connection.
One of my greatest lessons on the road, was the power of connectivity. In gas stations, coffee shops, and by the side of the road, I learnt that we are all one. We all want the same things – we want to love and be loved, we want to be happy, we want to be heard, we want to matter. We want to feel like we can give and receive without judgement.
Learning to be vulnerable in order to step into the power of connection changed my life. It taught me that the greatest gift I could give someone was myself. The real me – not the person I thought the world wanted to see. I had to allow myself to be seen. Really seen.
I had to be honest with my emotions and be prepared to express the truth of who I really was. In order for the connection to flow, I had to open my soul. Wholeheartedly. Without any hesitation. I had to let people into the depths of my being without any fear of judgement. Now that’s just slightly confronting when you’ve spent your whole life being controlled by what other people think…but I couldn’t connect if I wasn’t authentic. If I wasn’t the real me.
I also had to be honest with myself- and that meant letting go of the need to be perfect…secure in the knowledge that I was enough – just as I was. When I realised I was just like everyone else, it gave me the confidence to just be me.
And breathe…
How good did that feel? Finally…I can relax and let my stomach out!
This journey hasn’t been easy. Learning to embrace vulnerability has been tough, and it’s something I still consciously work on every day. There have been times when I’ve fought it, not willing to give in…and crunch moments when I’ve reverted to type and reached for the protection of my armour. But over time, and with a lot of practice, I’m learning the beauty of embracing vulnerability. Because vulnerability is at the core of every positive emotion. Without vulnerability, how can we experience joy, creativity, growth, connectivity…or love?
Sure, it can be scary…but to be vulnerable it truly be alive…and I would rather experience the rawness of exposure than live with the agony of regret. So, give it a try! What have you got to lose but your armour?
