I can’t meditate.

It frustrates the hell out of me.  I just don’t get it. I can’t sit for 30 seconds in silence, let alone ten minutes – I’m way to restless to meditate.  I’ve tried, and I’ve failed.  No matter what I do I just can’t stop thoughts from infiltrating my mind.  I don’t have the time – I’m way too busy to be quiet – I need to be up and in action – I need to be moving.

Besides – running is my meditation. That’s where I get my breathing space – my “me” time…and anyway, isn’t meditation just for people wearing “comfortable shoes” and hemp dresses (funnily enough that’s what people say about vegans!!)?

And remember – I’m a warrior – I’m not ready for “loving kindness”. If I meditate and become too “zen” – too relaxed and at peace – surely there’s every chance, I’ll lose my edge?

Excuses excuses…

And there you have it…the beliefs – and excuses – about meditation that rolled around my head for years.  As a typical A Typer, people kept telling me that I should meditate – to ease my stress and reduce my “intensity”.  But they’d usually only tell me once – and often it was from a great distance.

Truth be known I would have rather cleaned the oven with a toothbrush or had root canal therapy than spend five minutes alone with myself. Deep inside, I knew meditation had the potential to open up a whole can of worms – I knew it would bring up questions that I didn’t want to answer.  It was much safer to keep everything buried in the chaos than risk it surfacing in the silence.

And so, I kept moving. I avoided the quiet. If I was in perpetual motion, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the tough stuff.  I wouldn’t have to deal with me.  The prospect of being alone with my thoughts was infinitely more terrifying than any adrenalin adventure I could undertake.

Don’t let meditation be the answer…

I fought meditation with a vengeance – I was never going to be that person. Don’t let me be that person!  I don’t need meditation. Don’t let me give into it!

But – as with most things in life – what we resist is actually what we need the most.

Damn!

When life started caving in around me – and I began to question the beliefs I’d held close and tight most of my life – including my thoughts on meditation, I was left with very little choice…it was time…time to face my darkest fears…it was time to meditate. Besides – what did I have to lose other than a few minutes of my life?

Sitting by a beautiful river one morning, fortified by three cups of coffee – probably not a good idea when you’re about to meditate but I figured it was the only way I could make it through the silence – I closed my eyes and sat.  And sat.

What’s the deal here…

So, is that all I have to do?  Is there a trick to this?  What happens next?

Once I stopped fighting, I sat peacefully – eyes closed, ignoring the mosquitoes – for all of about twenty incredible minutes.  OK – I probably dozed off for about fifteen of those minutes, but for the first time ever – I got it!  And yes – at best I only had two consecutive silent breaths before my mind found shiny new thoughts to play with – but those two breaths were amazing!

Really?  That’s all I had to do?  Why the hell had I been fighting it all this time??

And so, began my slow, seemingly uneventful and easy journey into meditation – a journey that started simply, but that has truly changed my life.  Isn’t it amazing what happens when we finally stop fighting and let go of control? (I’m still wondering how many times I need to get that lesson before I learn it!!)

Doing it right…

One of my fears about meditation was that I never felt I was doing it right.  Surely there had to be more to it than sitting quietly with your eyes closed and breathing?  But nope – that’s about it.  Sure, there are many different types of meditation and different styles, but simplistically it’s just about finding a quiet spot, focusing on your breathing, noticing when you get distracted, then starting again…and again…and again.

Initially, I was pretty hard on myself.  I was frustrated about not being able to “quieten” my mind – no matter how hard I tried thoughts continued to bounce around my head like ping pong balls in a vacuum – and I judged myself pretty harshly for not being able to “control” the constant chatter in my head.  Every time I got distracted I smacked myself down – hard!

Really?  See how much I needed meditation?

Thoughts are OK…

But your thoughts are all part of the process.  It’s not about controlling them as much as it is about seeing them, acknowledging them, letting them go and getting back to your breathe. Some days I’ll manage 10 beautiful deep breathes before a thought bounces in – other times I’m lucky to match a breath with a thought.

But it doesn’t matter. Thoughts are an integral part of the process – there’s no need to resist them – just embrace them!  Whatever happens in my practice is meant to happen.  There’s no right or wrong, or good or bad meditation – it just is what it is – one breathe at a time. And at the end of it – no matter whether I’ve had 5 beautiful breaths in a row or 1 – I know it’s made a difference.

So, what about my fears?

And so – were my fears realized?

Yep – they were.  Thank goodness!  Because slowly, slowly in that realization, came healing and growth.

Was I too busy to meditate?  Absolutely – but as they say – if you don’t have time to meditate for ten minutes a day, then you need to meditate for half an hour!  So true!  I started slowly – just five minutes a day (being very conscious of my boredom threshold), and bit by bit my body and my mind started asking for more – more time in silence – more time with myself.

And yes – initially being with myself was terrifying.  Sitting in silence certainly did bring up the tough questions and made me come face to face with many things I’d been avoiding in my life. But hey – they say that emotions buried are buried alive – and watching my breathe enabled them to surface.  It wasn’t pretty – it still isn’t – but in giving myself space, I learnt to not to run away – to stay still and do the work to clear them.  If only there wasn’t so much to clear!

Did I “fail” at meditation?  I guess I have in the traditional sense of what I thought I needed to achieve…but in reality, no.  Not at all. In not being able to stop my thoughts, I’ve learnt to be kind to myself. I’ve learnt to let go of being judgmental and of having expectations of “success”. My practice is my practice – and the true value of meditation isn’t what happens during the mediation so much as how we show up after.  Lucky huh?

Have I lost control?  Yes!  And it feels amazing!   Putting distance between me and my crazy thoughts, fears and worries means they don’t control me as much.  I still have them – meditation hasn’t stopped me from being sad about the past or worried about the future – but at least now I see it.  I can’t be responsible for how I feel, but I can be responsible for how I respond. Now, I see the emotions and I can catch them – I can acknowledge them, breathe into them and consciously let them go rather than have them control me. Most days.

I am still me…

Which brings me to my fear of “losing my edge”.  Has meditation made me soft?  For sure, it’s made me softer – I’d like to think that learning to connect with my heart has helped me grow into a kinder, better version of myself (I might want to check that concept out with a few people!), but soft?

No – to my core, I am still me. I can still be a warrior, I can still be feisty and “intense” – but I’m learning to create a gap – a gap between thought and reaction.  There are some days where the warrior is completely appropriate, but now – well – mostly – it’s a conscious choice to bring her out rather than it being my default position.

But meditation has given me so much more. I love the fact that it gives me such a beautiful balance to my world.  In the words of the inimitable Guru Singh, when the shit hits the fan I know to “Bolt my butt to the floor”. When life is exploding all around me – or even if it’s just a minor detonation, getting into silence has become my safe space – my place to get back into alignment, to become more focused and less reactive.   To see myself and catch myself.

But the real biggie for me has been learning the power and value of being present.  As Eckhard Tolle says:

“Be aware of your breathing. Notice how it takes attention away from your thinking and creates space”.

When I breathe – when I create that space – I am acutely present.  I let go of the past and release the future, and I just am. That space gives me freedom.  It lets me see more clearly, it lets me find the lesson, it lets me see patterns, it lets me grow.  And it gives me incredible peace.

Remind me again why I fought this for so long??