I just got back from 10 days in Bali…staying in a private retreat about an hour out of Ubud – in the middle of literally nowhere.  No towns, no cars, no people…just me, my mentor, 8 amazing coaching colleagues, a serene environment and stunning, beautiful nature.

Sounds like heaven, right?

And it was…but there were times for me when it wasn’t…

We were all there to learn how to facilitate a beautiful, 28-day healing and growth programme called Soul Coaching.  The learning was intense, and the program stretched us all emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically – as it was supposed to do!  In fact, the stretching got so tight a couple of times, we thought we were in danger of snapping…but we all found that last little “give” in the elastic and ended up growing in ways we never thought possible.

But I had an extra lesson to learn.  As always!!

My colleagues…as I’ve mentioned…were amazing.  The depth of their knowledge, experience, wisdom and insight staggered me every day.  They were wise beyond their years.  They were breathtakingly grounded and centred at all times, and had such powerful, strong connections to the Universe that left me in awe.

And that also left me frustrated – not to mention with just the tiniest touch of resentment!!   (OK – it was a big touch!!)

And that frustration looked a little like this:

Really??  I’ve been on this journey for close to five years now…I’ve worked bloody hard at on myself – on my growth and development…so how come I’m not as up there with these guys?  How come they can see things that I don’t, know things that I don’t, understand things that I don’t…how come they’re way up there on the spiritual growth pole and I’m still languishing around the bottom??  What’s a girl gotta do to make progress around here??

Yep.  It was something like that…although that’s probably the tame version!!

Even in this serene, soulful environment, the old competitive warrior had come out.  And she was spoiling for a fight!  The comparisons were running thick and fast.  I needed to feel I was right up there with my colleagues (OK, maybe I’d even like to have overtaken some of them!!) in order to feel “safe”.  To feel good enough.

So I talked to my mentor and expressed my frustration – hoping she’d give me the reassurance I was looking for…that I was kicking all the goals that they were…and maybe even a few more in my own, special way!

But she didn’t.  Damn it…

What she said though, was far more important – and exactly what I needed to hear…

“Sometimes you need to look back to step forward”

 As in…in order to appreciate where you are now, you need to look back to see how far you’ve come.

Seriously??  Firstly – I’m a big goal, action orientated kinda girl – I’m driven by the finishing line.  When I look back all I want to see is dust!!

And secondly…looking back is tough.  I’m not sure I want to go back there.  There are so many painful areas of my life that I don’t want to shine a light on again.  I just want to shove them back into the cupboard where they belong.  They’re called skeletons for a reason and I see no point in exposing them again!!

Yep.  Good to see “petulance” is still one of the challenges I have to work on!!  Just add it to the list!

So, in the spirit of true “self reflection”, I fumed all afternoon – not willing to accept the need to look back.  I couldn’t see the point.  The past was the past and I was done with it.

But the Universe decided I needed a little kick to get me moving… 

I decided to randomly pull an oracle card, and what should fall out of the pack, but a card called “Tracker”.  When I looked up the meaning it simply said:

“Reflect on the past to truly appreciate and value where you are now.”

Really??  Aw come on!!

Now, I may be a little slow on picking up messages…but one thing I know for sure – ignore the Universe at your peril!!

So later that night, as the monsoon Bali rains fell from the heavens, I lit a candle and sat quietly…taking myself back to the start of my journey nearly 5 years ago.  A journey that began with me literally falling apart.  With all areas of my life crashing around me.  With me needing to let go of just about everything I’d held onto tightly, thinking it would keep me safe – my career, my business card, my “perfection”, my warrior shield and armour.

What amazed me when I looked back…was that I barely recognised the person I was.  I hardly knew her.

Who was she – this wild, crazy woman – who was running so fast in her 12 inch stilettos, trying to escape from everyone and everything in the world around her…hoping that the truth behind the façade would never be discovered, and that “achievements” would continue to keep her safe?

They didn’t.

The Universe had whispered to me for a long time – trying to warn me that the life I was living was lacking in purpose and meaning…and that it wasn’t sustainable on any level.  But I ignored Her “advice”!  Of course I did – because I always knew better.

The trick for me – was to keep busy…

If I was manically busy, I could shut out that pesky voice from the Universe.  If you’re perpetually occupied, then the Big Questions don’t have space to surface.  Questions like “Am I living on Purpose” can’t survive alongside of “Who put the cat in the microwave???”  (Hopefully in my distraction, it wasn’t me!!)

But…as I’ve discovered, the Universe does not have infinite patience.  She lets you pretend to be deaf for awhile…and then she steps in.  The gentle nudges eventually became pushes, until one day She gave an enormous shove and “life” as I knew it came crashing down around me.

I tried to fight back – but this time I knew I was beaten.  The Universe wasn’t backing away and in no uncertain terms told me “You’re going down Baby!!”  And I did. Big time.

It was unbearably painful, confronting and ugly.  I had my butt kicked physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually…and there were times I thought I’d never be able to get back on my feet.

But I did.  Eventually.  And slowly…

And despite the carnage, out of the wreckage something amazing happened.  The person I was, gradually grew into the person I am today – the person I was meant to be…the imperfect, vulnerable, loving, courageous, scared, compassionate me.  (OK – “wild” is still there too!!). And the old me feels like a stranger.  I tried hard to hold her but she slipped through my fingers.  She’s gone.

I see that now.

But I honour her.  She got me here.  She got me to where I am now.

Without being who she was, I wouldn’t not have had the opportunity to recreate and reinvent.  She gave me the chance to reclaim parts of me that had been hidden and forgotten…and gave the space to consciously rebuild my life.  I owe her a lot!

And when I stop pushing forward, and take the time to look back, I see that I got here as fast as I could manage.  The timing was perfect.  I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.  And in order to move ahead on my journey, I need to honour that – to recognise how far I’ve come and what it’s taken to get here.

And going forward, that will also be my truth.

I will get there as fast as I’m destined…and the timing will be perfect.