What am I afraid of?

Hell…where do I start?  As someone who’s kinda “out there” in the adrenaline realm, and who’s been known to take a lot of risks – physical, financial and emotional – I know I can give the impression of being reasonably “fearless” – but believe me, it’s all a bluff!

My fears are real.  Very real…

They come from the bottom of my soul – sometimes sneaking into my consciousness – sometimes shouting loudly if I’m not listening or paying attention to them.

Some are Big Fears – fear of not living my purpose, fear of not making the difference I want to make, fear of not being the person I want to be…and others are “Fearettes” – small fears in the scheme of things, but fears none the less – fear of writing this blog (do you know how scary it is to look at an empty page??), fear of failure, fear of not being a good mum, fear of looking like a goose when I try something new…ok – maybe they’re not so small after all!

But I’m in good company…

Everybody has fears. We all do.  Real or imaginary – fear is a natural part of life.  We’re all scared – nobody is fearless. And that’s a good thing – because fear is there to protect us.  It’s there to bring into sharp focus situations or actions that might potentially harm us.  Fear has one job – to keep us safe.

But in keeping us safe, if we’re not careful, fear can seize control of our thoughts, our emotions – of our lives.  Fear should inform us but it shouldn’t define us.

Our fears come from so many places – from our past experiences, from our beliefs, from the stories we’ve told ourselves – or the stories others have told about us…and they’ve very real and they’re very scary.

But the challenge is, when we step into fear – when we give it a voice – immediately we shut down.  We become small, we contract, we shrink.  We stay in our shell.  Fear paralyses – it stops us from making brave choices.  It negatively shapes our attitudes and keeps us from stepping forward…and it can completely overpower us – all in the name of “protection”.

The bottom line is:

Fear stops us from being who we’re meant to be…

And fear can hold us back from everything we want to achieve.

Now I want to be safe as much as the next person…but from the many times I’ve handed control over to fear – I’ve learnt that the only way for me to grow is to face my fears – to manage them rather than have them manage me.  A tough thing to do when you’re terrified!

Fear contains a powerful message and if we’re brave enough to sit with it – to understand it and work through it – fear can be an incredible guide.  Not an easy one to be sure, but a guide who can teach us, open our beliefs and awaken us to new possibilities.

Worth being brave for, right?

Fear is always going to be there – whether it’s the fear of starting a new job, the fear of change – of not being perfect, of leaving a relationship, or of being out of our comfort zone – if you’re alive, you’re going to be afraid.  So breathe…you’re human!

The thing is – it’s not about removing fear – that’s never going to happen.  Managing fear is about how we relate to it.

Fear is an emotion. It’s that simple…

So how do we manage it?  It’s about seeing it for what it is – “Ok fear – yep it’s you again”…it’s about honouring it  – “I appreciate hard you’re working to keep me safe and protect me from the things that might harm me”…it’s about breathing through it – “ you’re kinda losing your power there fear when I’m being really present”…and then it’s about going for it anyway!

Call fear out!

Take charge.  When fear whispers in your ear and tells you all the reasons you should be afraid, tell it kindly but firmly, that you’ve got this. You appreciate the concern – but you’re gonna be OK.  Because you know that whatever gets thrown at you, you have what it takes to deal with it.

It mightn’t turn out the way you’d planned – you might get a little bruised in the process – but it’ll be OK.  You’ll figure it out, you’ll dust yourself off and you’ll keep growing and learning.

So knowing you’ve got what it takes…and you do…when fear starts to bite, just sit with it.

Sit tight with the butterflies – or small planes – that are flying around in your stomach.  See fear for the emotion that it is and hang in there.  Stay in that place longer than you’d like – longer than it feels comfortable.  It won’t be easy – but don’t run away from it.  See it, acknowledge it, honour it and breathe. Deeply.

Ask yourself at least three times – what are you really afraid of?  Every time you get an answer, ask the question again – and again – and again.  Because sometimes you need to dig deep to understand the truth behind your fear.

Then it’s time for the big guns.  It’s time to check in with yourself and ask:

Is the fear real, or is it an excuse? 

Am I allowing fear to stop me being who I’m meant to be?

Boy, those questions have caused tears and heartache on more occasions than I can count – but they’ve also caused action. Because the next step in managing fear is to take action – to get moving – and to do something positive to loosen the grip fear has on us.

But taking action can be challenging. Sometimes we struggle to commit because we’re overthinking what could go wrong.  And there’s nothing more terrifying than the “what ifs”.

“What if I lose my job…what if I get rejected…what if it all goes pear-shaped…what if I look like an idiot?”

But what’s the worst that can happen??  When you’re afraid, write down the worst-case scenarios – be specific and think about what you could do to reduce or reverse those risks. Chances are you’ll find the scariest scenarios aren’t so terrifying when you look at them unemotionally.

Managing fear takes courage…

As Brene Brown so beautifully puts it:

“Are you willing to never love so that you don’t experience heartache…or not to put yourself out there creatively in case you’re dismissed…or never trust anyone so that you never experience betrayal?”

What are you missing out on by holding onto your fears?

It takes real courage to let go and step into the unknown – to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and at risk…but the rewards of acknowledging that fear and doing it anyway just blow you out of the water.

I’ve never done anything of value that I wasn’t terrified of doing – building a corporate career, braving the wild world of entrepreneurship, walking away from my company to follow my heart…in everything that I’ve done that’s been of real worth, I’ve felt alone and terrified with my fear – but yet – breathtakingly alive.

And yep – there have been mistakes…  

There have been tears and tough lessons and times when I thought the bruising would never heal…but that’s OK.  I’d rather go for it and screw up than never know what could have been. Because that’s where the growth and the magic happens.

In the immortal words of Jack Canfield:

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear”

And you my friend – the world needs you to be courageous. Listen to your fears but don’t let them control you. See them, acknowledge them, honour them and breathe into them…then let them go.  Because being brave doesn’t mean you’re not scared – that you don’t have fears. Being brave is about being afraid and doing it anyway.

Because that’s what it means to do life!