You know – life throws us curve balls…like believing we’re invincible only to discover we can break a bone as easily as we can break a fingernail (falling off a motorbike will teach you that!), or thinking that the earth is flat only to discover undeniably that it’s round (yep – I met someone yesterday who truly believed the earth was flat!! They’re in for a nasty shock!!) – or in my case – thinking that I needed to control everything myself only to learn that letting go actually gave me true power.
But perhaps one of the biggest curve balls we get thrown is believing we know what success looks like.
From an early age we’re taught “success” is all about achievement…
It’s external. It’s all about having the awe-inspiring career (you know – the one your Mom brags about to her friends)…it’s about having the beautiful home, the luxury car – sorry – cars, the perfect family and financial wealth that lets you do anything and have anything you want.
And if we believe social media…it’s about living a life of excitement and adventure – all whilst fitting effortlessly into a Size 0 (OK – maybe a 2) and looking like we’ve just stepped off the Victoria’s Secret runway. (Well, for us girls anyway. For the guys I guess it’s about having a 6-pack, your own hair and a chin so chiselled it defies gravity!)
It’s about measurement…
If we have all of the above – or even just a couple of the “success” criteria, then we’ve made it. It’s our validation to the world that we kick butt – that we’re “someone”. “Damn…did you see that Chanel jacket? That chick is Someone!”
This image of success is so ingrained in us that we strive for it relentlessly, we make compromises and excuses for it, and we convince ourselves that once we achieve it – once we get that next promotion, the new car, the biggest deal, the fabulous xxx [insert any object here – house, jewellery, holiday, Jimmy Choos] – then we’ll have made it. We’ll be “successful”. And once we’re successful, then we’ll be happy.
Really?
External success (as in, all of the above) is what I call “Head” success…and the problem with head success is that it’s not sustainable. The “happiness” you get is fleeting.
Now to be sure, picking up a new BMW and driving it out of the showroom is a blast! And damn, does it feel good!!
But for how long?
How long does it take for that feeling of excitement…of pleasure…of enjoyment (OK – and of smugness) – to wear off? Sadly – not long. And then how long does it take for a bigger “need” to take its place? (It’s always a “need” – they’re far more demanding than a “want”!)
When head success is what drives us, no matter what we achieve it’s never enough. We’re never enough! It’s like pushing towards a finishing line that keeps moving backwards…we never get to cross it. Just as we’re getting close the damn thing moves again! We never get to say “Finally…I’ve made it. I’ve achieved… I’m happy”.
But how can that be??? That’s not what life is supposed to be about! You work hard, you bust a gut and sacrifice, you achieve and then you get to kick back and feel good – about yourself and about life, right?
Except you don’t…
I learnt this the hard way…to the outside world I had it all…big career, financial success, beautiful family, big house, lots of toys, life of adrenalin…on the outside it looked amazing…I’d achieved all the things I’d been taught from an early age would make me happy. Yep – I’d certainly nailed “head” success.
But on the inside, I was empty. And there was a quiet voice…well, it was quiet to start with but then just kept getting louder and louder…that kept asking “Is this all there is?” “Is this who you’re meant to be in this world?”
And then the big one – “If you strip all this “success” away, who are you really?”
Because nothing I achieved was enough…
Nothing made me feel whole. Nothing made me feel enough. I was never smart enough, good enough, thin enough, bright enough…and so I kept pushing – looking for the next win, the next acknowledgement, the next achievement. So the vicious cycle continued!
Searching relentlessly for head success and external validation left me physically exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually bankrupt.
Like many of us.
…and as with all good Hollywood dramas, eventually my world fell apart. They say you have to crack to let the light in. Really??? Who says that?? And who the hell needs the drama of cracking in the first place? But sadly – for me it was true. I cracked – big time.
And it was just what I needed – because the only way I could find the way back to myself – to reclaim my life and connect with my spirit, was to let go of the need for head success and to start finding the joy of heart success.
It took me 3 months and 23,000 kilometres on a superbike and hours of silence in my helmet to finally understand that the real purpose in our lives is to find heart success…and in the interests of saving you from having to sit like a pretzel riding with your legs up around your ears for hours at a time (that’s a superbike for you!), here’s what I learnt!
Heart success is about connection…
Being on the road taught me the power and joy of connectivity. It taught me that we’re all one. We’re all the same – we all want the same things – to love, to be loved, to matter, to be heard. Making a connection with a stranger is a conscious decision we get to make every day. Yet when you put the energy out into the world, the energy you receive back is tenfold.
It’s about Gratitude – being thankful for not only the good things around you but being grateful for what is – no matter what “what is” is looks like – whether it’s snow, or a bear or a flat tire – being grateful changes everything.
It’s about being present. You have a lot of time in your helmet when you’re on a bike for 8 hours a day – and often your thoughts drift to sadness of the past or fears of the future. I had a simple remedy to remind myself to stay present – because in the present everything is perfect. And it was just a simple saying: Be where your feet are: – or in my case…my riding boots. And that immediately brought me back to the beautiful present.
It’s about changing your story…
The stories we tell ourselves, can define us but that’s a choice we make. We get to change our stories and in changing our stories, we change our lives. On this journey I let go of so many stories that had controlled my life – it wasn’t easy, but slowly slowly I consciously let old stories fall by the roadside and replaced them with new brighter more dynamic versions.
Heart success is also about letting go of expectations…it’s about setting an intent, and doing the work, but then not being prescriptive about how the outcome will be achieved. It’s about being completely open to the unknown.
It’s also about letting go of the need for perfection – that’s a lesson you learn early on a bike after being drenched from a monsoon for hours then riding through mud!! Nothing glamorous about that!
It taught me that it’s more than OK to be vulnerable – and that in being vulnerable – we open our true selves up to the world.
But above all, stepping into heart success taught me that I am enough.
In fact – just as I am – I am more than enough. And that’s all I need to be. I don’t need to a prove a thing – to anyone – and most importantly – to me.
Don’t get me wrong—it’s great to realise head success—to have an exciting career, financial security and prestigious achievements, so long as it doesn’t define you. They’re all important – but it’s the value we place on them that’s the issue.
When external success is the only thing that defines us, chances are we’re going to wake up one day and ask that terrifying question “Is that all there is?” We spend our whole life chasing that success only to reach the top of the mountain and ask, “So now what?”
Heart success is about being brave enough to be who you’re truly meant to be in this world…
It’s about holding your values sacred and in living a life of purpose and potential. And when you find the harmony between head and heart? Then that’s true success!
So listen to the whispers – to the “who am I really meant to be in this world” questions that arise from the bottom of your soul. Because these questions call us – and they call us for a reason. Deep down inside we really want meaning and purpose in our lives. We want to amount to something more than a fast car, a great wardrobe and a beach house…we want to mean something more than just our business card.
We want to make a difference…
We want to make an impact. We want to live a life of purpose – a life that matters.
A friend asked me the other day whether these questions were a mid-life crisis. And my answer? Nah…it’s actually a mid-life awakening (or “some point in our life” awakening….it can strike at any time!!). These soul-searching questions are the call to something more…to add real value to the world…to be something more than just ourselves…to understand finally what really matters in this world.
So if there’s an ache in your bones or a whisper in your heart that there just might be something more to life…maybe…just maybe…it’s time to let go of the rush for head success, and quietly start to embrace the real joy of heart success!
