So…2019 has started, and already the pressure is on.  A new year – a new you!  Really??  What was wrong with the old you??  Turns out nothing really – but that doesn’t stop us from wanting to walk away from all the challenges of the past year and start afresh.

Because this year it’ll be different…this year we’ll stick to those resolutions…this year we’ll smash those goals…this year we’ll have nailed those exercise plans and lost that last few kilos….and yep – this year we’ll have really figured our lives out.

Really?  If you do – please let me know how!

The challenge of January for me – as a “fairly” driven person – is that the need to set scary, heart stopping, death defying goals is so seductive!  As I sit in January, with the whole year before me, I feel the compulsive need to define big goals and set action plans that realistically need at least three brave souls to complete.  But that doesn’t stop me.

Nor does the knowledge that I blew out last year…that I over committed, I became overwhelmed and, in my eyes, I underperformed.

Now the truth of this, is that I didn’t.  When I objectively look at 2018, there was some incredible moments where I achieved more than I thought possible – but when I put ticks against the crazy amount of “actions” I’d set myself, there were some serious gaps.  And gaps cause judgement, stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed…not to mention feeling like an under achiever…and that’s just nuts.

The bottom line was I pushed too hard, stretched too far, and squeezed too tight.  In the need to achieve, deliver and measure up, I forgot to focus on the things that were really important.

I’m going to say that again – because I need to be reminded…

I forgot to focus on the things that were important…

And so, as much as I love this time of the year and the temptation to really sweep a broom through every area of my life – and not a soft, gentle broom but one of those hard, sharp Harry Potter brooms that scratches everything it touches…this year, I’m trying a new approach. Because the old one never seems to work.

Now I’m not knocking goals…how could I?  They’re still deeply ingrained in my DNA…so yes…I still have a few goals – the optimal words being “a few” instead of the usual 10…but this year, I have one very simple measurement of success – to live my purpose.

OK…just saying that fills me with fear.  Like most people, the pressure to find our purpose and then live it is just slightly north of terrifying.  Deep down inside we all figure that we’re here for a reason…that there has to be more to life than the constant struggle to achieve…that we want to make a difference…

But how??

So full disclosure…

I’ve been “trying to find my purpose” for a few years…

Ever since walking away from my company and disappearing into the distance on my beautiful BMW motorbike Voodoo, I’ve been “waiting” for my purpose to be revealed to me.

As I embarked on a spiritual journey, I waited…sometimes patiently – sometimes pretty impatiently…for my “true purpose” to be declared.  And nothing happened.  No lightning bolt of understanding, no big flashing sign across a freeway, no epiphany telling me what my life was meant to mean and what I was supposed to do with it…nothing!

So, I waited some more…this time with a pretty big degree of frustration…because I was “ready”.  I was ready to do something big…I was ready to set the world on fire – to do something, be something, set in motion something that would seriously make a difference to the world. And still…nothing came.

By now I was pissed.  Surely, I was destined to do something HUGE!!!  How come I couldn’t work out what that was?  How come I was struggling so hard with finding my purpose?  How come the Universe wasn’t giving me the road map to show me how to serve and make a difference?  Because that’s what I so desperately wanted to do!

Ah grasshopper…

Turns out, I needed to learn something important about “purpose” before I could find it and live it…

And that is…

My purpose has nothing to do with what I do…

What?  Are you serious??

Yep.  That’s right.

No wonder I was struggling – the drive to discover my purpose and my reason for being was purely external.  I was still caught up in the need for my purpose to be my “career” – what I did, my mission, my role…for it to be big and significant and game changing.

And when I was brave enough to look at it more closely, it was also about recognition and achievement and acknowledgement…I was still linking my “value” to the outside world.  Damn it’s hard to shake those old, familiar patterns!

And breathe…

But I know now, with every fibre of my being, that my purpose truly does have nothing to do with what I do – and everything to do with who I am.

Despite everything we’ve been taught, finding and living our purpose Is not what we achieve on the outside – it’s an inside job.  It’s not about “doing” – it’s about “being”. It’s not about showing off but about showing up. It’s not about what we are but who we are. That’s purpose – that’s meaning.

That’s not to say that our careers, our work, our visions, missions and goals aren’t important. They are – they still ignite and inspire us, they still drive us and help us find direction and satisfaction in our lives. They have real value in helping us achieve.  But that’s still external.

But they don’t give us purpose.  They don’t give us meaning. That comes from within.

So, after wrestling with this for a few years – I think I’m finally starting to get it.

When I let go of the need for my purpose to be big and ground breaking and impressive…when I made peace with the fact that it wasn’t about external it was internal, finding my purpose became easy.

And it is.

My purpose is just to shine my light and to grow…

Yep – it’s that simple.  And how do I do that?  I start with looking at myself and my life holistically – body, mind and spirit to see what needs attention. I get back to basics – to the things that give me joy like time with my family, meditation, writing, being on my bike.

I’m clear about not just who I want to be but how I want to feel – joyful, loved, creative, connected and inspired – and check back in constantly to make sure I’m in alignment.  Sure, there are days when I’m not – but just knowing how important these feelings are to my purpose, reminds me to do what it takes to get them back into my life. Because I’m a very different person when I stop thinking and start feeling (!!)

And above all – my commitment is to me.  It always scares me to say that because it feels selfish and self-centred – and yep – woowoo. But when I let go of that fear, I realise the truth – that putting myself first is actually self-full.  If I can like myself, be kind to myself, let go of judgement and the need for perfection – if I can trust my intuition and do what it takes to take care of myself and be the person I’m truly meant to be in this lifetime, then not only have I found my purpose, but hopefully I can help others find theirs.

The noble cause might still be out there, but I have to grow and find me first…and then I can focus on the greater good!

I love this quote from Caroline Myss:

Just let go.  Let go of how you thought life should be and embrace the life that’s trying to work its way into your consciousness.”

I thought my purpose needed to be big and shiny – for it to be something of awe in order to be of value. That’s life as I thought it should be.  And it’s taken awhile for me to be ok with letting that go.  But what’s been working its way into my consciousness – is the realisation that my purpose is simply to shine my light and to grow.

And if the only thing I achieve this year is complete focus and commitment to my purpose, then I’ll have truly nailed 2019!