I’ve been struggling ever since I got back from Nepal in early December.

After the initial euphoria of hugging my team, eating something other than dal baht and being able to flush a toilet any time I wanted (it’s probably lucky that we’ve got water restrictions in Australia at the moment –after 5 weeks of peeing in a hole I’d have been flushing it every five minutes – just because I could!!)…I started to spiral.

I felt overwhelmed, restless and seriously drained…

At first I thought it was just emotional, physical and maybe some spiritual exhaustion…after all, it’d been a crazy, wild year and I figured I was just a little burnt out.

I tried to obliterate the emotions I was feeling with action. That’s my go-to place when things start fraying at the edges – more work, more action, more “doing”. So instead of treating myself with a little compassion and trying to understand where this emptiness was coming from, I went straight into the 2019 review – what had worked, what were my mistakes, what had I learnt, what did I want to do differently in 2020.

The year hadn’t even finished before I was hurtling headfirst into the new year – setting goals, writing action lists, implementing deadlines, getting clarity on what I wanted to achieve…and then I got sick.

I’m not sure why I was surprised!!

Ignoring the signs and not paying attention to how I was feeling has never worked in the past! So why would I have expected it to have worked this time??

I’m sure the Universe bangs Her head with frustration working with me! It seems the only way I’ll respond to being out of alignment is by getting sick. When I keep pushing, the Universe has to send me a physical message because tI’ll only listen when my body comes to a complete standstill.

Which is what it did – 3 days before the Christmas Catastrophe was about to descend on me!! (Truth be known – I really do love Christmas – and it’s only a catastrophe because I can’t cook and having to do the big Christmas Food Fest for 12 people pushes me into total apoplexy!!)

But sitting quietly as I nursed pneumonia (you get to spend a lot of time by yourself when you’re contagious!!), I got to untangle what I was really feeling – and why.

And finally…I understood where my disconnection was coming from…

I was angry.

Unconsciously, I’d let myself become overwhelmed by everything I’d experienced in Nepal. As amazing as my journey there had been, everywhere I turned there was pain – pain I was helpless to alleviate. Poverty was extreme, kids weren’t getting the education they deserved, girls were being forced into lives of destitution and despair…my heart was broken by the size of the problems and the belief that nothing I did would change them.

Everywhere I looked, there was a need…and not just a “you can fix it with a band aide” need, but a desperate, open wound need of epic proportions. And I was angry at my helplessness at not being able to make a difference.

At the same time…my country – my homeland was (and sadly still is) on fire. It’s impossible to put into words the devastation that we’ve suffered here in Australia…or the anger and frustration that I feel at being powerless to help those suffering so much – both people and animals – or to change the scars that are now running deeply through our countryside and through our psyche.

And I was angry with myself…

Angry that although I’d been aware of my government’s deliberate avoidance of determining climate change initiatives, I’d sat by watching from the sidelines and done nothing to actively help drive change. It’s so much easier to wait for someone else to do the hard stuff, right?

As they say – taking no action is an action in itself.

But the beauty about anger – when you finally see and acknowledge it (and one day hopefully I won’t need being sick to help me do that!!) is that is can be a great catalyst for change.

I’m a big believer in a having one word as my guiding theme for the year…a word that holds me accountable, that reminds me of what’s important and that helps keep me in alignment with what I stand for and who I want to be.

This one word represents my focus and intention for the whole year…

Past years have been Creativity, Connection, Fearlessness…and for 2020 the word I chose was “Potential”.

Spurred on I guess by the work I’m starting in Nepal, I decided on “Potential” because I wanted this year to be about creating opportunities to help others reach their potential – and also to make sure that I’m stretching to reach mine!

But as I sat and watched my anger, I wondered if there was better word for me to have this year – a more gentle word – a word that could help counteract the frustration and emptiness I was feeling.

What if there was a word that could help ease the anger in my bones and still allow me to make a positive impact on others and myself?

And then I found it. The perfect word…

Kindness.

What I need more of in my life to calm the feeling of being overwhelmed is kindness…and the amazing thing about kindness is that the more you give, the better you feel about everything – about yourself, about others, about life…it’s a truly magical word!

So what does that mean for me?

Kindness stops me from being overwhelmed. It reminds me that although I can’t help everyone, even helping one person makes a difference. And there are so many ways to make that difference.

Let me share a story with you…

Since I got back, I’ve been talking to my friend Deepan who was my porter on my trip to Annapurna Base Camp. He is gentle, warm, compassionate, and smart but believed, given his education, that his life would be limited to working as a lowly paid mountain porter, carrying bags for trekkers.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve talked a lot about his incredible ability to connect with people and how great he’d be in the hospitality industry – but he didn’t feel confident enough in himself to apply for work.

Yesterday he rang me – he’s just got a job as a receptionist in a prestigious hotel.

I cried…

Kindness is appreciating that helping one is just as powerful as helping many…and in that, the anger I feel at my helplessness disintegrates.

And like most things, if we’ve going to invite kindness into our lives, it has to be a conscious effort. Opportunities to be kind can just happen – but its power explodes when we truly put our minds to it.

So I’ve challenged myself this year – to undertake one Random Act of Kindness every day for the next 365 days. Day 15 and so far so good…although I have to say, there’s not a lot of “random” about most of the acts.

Sometimes opportunities present themselves…like yesterday when I was out running and I came across a baby’s blanket on the footpath. A guy with a running pram was about 400 metres ahead of me and I figured it was his…so I sprinted to catch him and give it back. Damn he was fast and wow I was out of shape!

And lucky I was in my running shoes – I’m not sure I could have pulled it off my “random act of kindness” in my stilettoes!!

But most days, I need to take time out to think about my act for the day and to plan it. Maybe that takes away some of the spontaneity, but consciously working out ways to help others or bring a little joy into someone’s life is an amazing reward in itself!

So if you’re thinking about bringing some kindness into the world, here are some things you can try:

– Buy a coffee for the person behind you in the line
– Leave flowers for a friend
– Go for a walk and pick up rubbish along the way
– Send a card to your parents thanking them!
– Make dinner for someone
– Message 5 long-lost friends
– Put post-it notes of love in your family’s bags
– Cut your neighbour’s lawn
– Leave coins on a parking meter
– Send a note to someone who’s made a difference in your life
– Write a note of thanks on a restaurant serviette and send it back to the chef

My anger was caused by my helplessness – by the belief that the problems of the world were so huge and that I couldn’t make a difference. But being angry didn’t resolve anything – it just made me want to hide in bed and pull the duvet over my head…which – not surprisingly – made me feel even more overwhelmed!

But choosing Kindness every day does help me make a difference – no matter how small.

Sometimes that difference will be obvious – you’ll get a reaction (hopefully a positive one – not like the one I once got from a “very European” gentleman who, when I offered to buy him a coffee told me he didn’t need my charity!!) – yet often if you’re doing things anonymously (which is actually my favourite MO), the only difference you’ll see is the one in your own heart!

But damn – that’s a great result!

And whilst I’m still “frustrated” at the political stance, we in Australia are taking (or not taking) against climate change, I appreciate that my anger won’t change that.  But taking accountability to make a difference and approaching it through love and kindness, will.

Choosing Kindness also makes me think about everything I do and say. Those close to me remind me that I often don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story! Harsh but probably true!! So in consciously deciding to bring more kindness into my life this year, it’s also a constant reminder for me to question what I’m about to say and what I’m about to do – and to ask “Is that kind?”

Now I’d love to say that on catching myself, if the answer is “no” I’ll change tack. Sadly – I often don’t! I still plough on…but I guess if I’m being kind to myself (!!) catching myself is the start!

So this year…I have two theme words. I’m still holding onto “Potential” – that’s the one that shoots me out of bed every day, searching for opportunities to help others be their best…but the third word I say now every morning (after ‘Thank You’), is Kindness.

Because through Kindness, I know I can make a difference in this world.