Always remember what you promise a 7-year-old.
When my best friend’s beautiful daughter was 7, we promised her that after graduating from high school, we’d take her to New York to celebrate. She was a serious fashionista – already putting me to shame with her incredible sense of style, and my Bestie Mysie and I laughed about how cool it’d be to take her shopping in the fashion capital of the world. We laughed – and then we forgot.
She however – did not. Until 6 months before graduation when she reminded us “fairly strongly” about the long forgotten “promise”. Damn. How had all those years slipped by and she hadn’t thought to send a reminder message?
A promise is a promise…
And so the three of embarked on what has subsequently been called “The Great Credit Card Meltdown Tour of New York”. Well, if you’re going to go shop in New York you need to make it count, right? And make it count we did. Yep – we got to see all of the incredible tourist sites, but they were certainly squeezed in between breathtaking shopping adventures, where we ticked off stores on our massive “To Do” – or probably more “To Hit” list.
New York threw out the challenge and we rose to the occasion. Let no man come between a woman and her new Dior flats…even if it does mean having to buy additional suitcases!
But when I got home, and unpacked all my beautiful new purchases – shoes, coats, hats, skirts – things I absolutely had to have – a real feeling of unease started to settle into the pit of my stomach. I’ve had “buyers regret” before and have generally managed to fight (or buy!) my way through it – but this was something more.
As I looked at everything I’d bought, one simple word came to me clearly:
Why???
Why had I come home with two suitcases full of things I didn’t need? I already had more clothes than I could ever wear in my lifetime (even though I’m planning to live to 100!), there are only so many pairs of shoes you can wear in a day (and most of the ones I’d bought we so uncomfortable I’d be lucky to keep them on for more than 30 minutes), and as for handbags – do we really need one for every occasion? Obviously not. So why then?
Because I could. Because I wanted to…
There’s probably nothing more unravelling than holding a pair of burgundy leather pants from Saks (OK – they were gorgeous!!) in your hand and realising that owning them was more about what I thought they would say about me, rather than the joy wearing them would actually bring me.
What would it say…
What I’d hoped they’d say was that I was successful…I’d made it – that I was cool, I was hot, I had my shit together and damn if I didn’t rock that look. (On reflection – the next size up might have been a better look, but if I could close the zipper on a smaller size then I was gonna squeeze it all in to make it fit!).
In fact – those infamous leather pants did actually say something about me – but sadly it wasn’t what I’d hoped for.
It told the truth…
What they said was the truth. I wanted these pants to feel good about myself. And as I held them in my hands, I realised that I was spending to find fulfilment. I was looking to fill a void and I was expecting burgundy leather to make me happy.
None of those reasons lined up with my values – or the person that I truly wanted to be. And more to the point – where was my obligation to our incredible planet – in being what could only be called a “Compulsive Consumer” I was continually adding to the environmental disaster encompassing our world. This had to stop. This was not the person I wanted to be.
How often do leather pants bring you down?
I called my Bestie – who – after not being able to find enough space in her wardrobe to fit in all her new purchases – was having her own “What was I thinking” moment – and together we hatched a plan. Together we decided to put a moratorium on spending – for twelve months.
For twelve months we would not buy a single item of clothing, shoes, jewellery or make up. We would make do with what we had – we would wear our clothes until they fell off us (OK – so I had enough clothes that that was never going to happen), we would recycle the pasta necklaces our kids had made for us years ago in school (I knew I’d kept them for a reason) and we would squeeze the very last out of every tube of foundation (despite the fact that my face colour hadn’t changed in years – somehow I still had 5 different brands of foundation. What was that saying?)
The journey commences…
On January 1, 2017 our journey commenced – and no – we didn’t stock up in December to make sure we had enough “stuff” to last us…although from about October onwards when my make-up started to run out, I kinda wished I had….as did most people around me!
It felt good – in fact – it felt great, albeit a little daunting – to know that we were actively choosing to let go of what Dan Harris calls “the fog of habitual behaviour” – a pattern that had seen us fill our lives unconsciously with things that we actually didn’t want – let alone need.
But somehow for me, it wasn’t enough. When I looked at my wardrobe – not to mention my home – it was bulging with excess. Now that I was consciously – albeit tentatively – looking at why I was spending and the gap I was hoping it would fill, the symbols of “success” I was surrounded with started to bother me.
But it wasn’t enough…
I decided to up the ante. I’d come across the fantastic documentary “Minimalism” by Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus and decided to accept their 30-day challenge to simplify my life and remove the clutter that was impacting my mind. And the challenge? Day One – get rid of one item, Day Two – get rid of two items, Day Three – get rid of three items until Day 30 – get rid of 30 items – things that have no value in your life that you’ve accumulated and that are just taking up space and adding complexity and confusion.
The cleansing power of decluttering…
Sounds easy enough? Well it was – for the first few days – and then the numbers started to get big. It was challenging to let go of things that I’d held onto for years, that now had no meaning or value for me. But it felt amazing – it felt cleansing and healing to be simplifying my world – so much so that I worked out exactly how many items I would be clearing out in the 30 days – 465 – and went on a blitz to pull them all out at once! It felt so good I didn’t want to wait the full 30 days – I’ve always been kind of a “more is better” girl!
I was also conscious of not wanting to add to landfill as part of the process – so the items I chose to “de clutter” had to be ones I could recycle – so I regifted clothes to friends, sent business suits to charities, donated motorbike exhaust pipes (OK – that was hard!), gave books to the library – everything that left my house had to find a new home. And it did. With love.
Loving the lessons…
At the end of twelve months, I’d significantly “decluttered” and “deconsumed” and the lessons were profound.
There were of course the easy lessons – that a T-shirt with four holes in it is actually sexy, that black always saves the day and that not being able to buy new clothes was a great motivator for staying the same weight…but the real lessons were immeasurable.
My choices over those twelve months taught me that I am not my clothes. My clothes don’t represent who I am, or what I am or what I’ve achieved – they are not a measure of success or an indication of the real me. Although they tell a story to the outside world, I don’t mind what that story is – because I know the truth of who I really am. I don’t need the latest “on trend” fashion to say I’ve got it all together (I’ve still got those burgundy leather pants, remember!)
I’ve learnt that less is more. The freedom I experienced when I let go of my possessions and consciously didn’t add to them was insane! Everything felt clearer, cleaner, crisper – it gave me more headspace, time and energy, and I felt a calm – inside and out – at being surrounded by less and by needing less.
Having less meant I valued more. The things that I chose to surround my life with actually meant something to me. They were there for a reason – not as a measure of success.
“Things” don’t make you happy…
People make you happy – being connected makes you happy – living your purpose makes you happy – adding value and contributing to the world around us makes us happy. So, it’s now easier for me to put down those potentially new leopard skin boots when I ask myself “What value will this really add to my life”, and the biggie “Will it really make me happy?”
I felt I had more control over my life. Life became simpler – less decisions, less energy expended, less pressure, less emotional turmoil. As Rick Hanson says, “We can never get enough of what we don’t want”. When you learn to want less, then you step off that all-consuming need to acquire, which in turn brings a beautiful simplicity to your life.
It taught me the importance of reducing our footprint on this beautiful planet of ours. In this world of fast and vast consumerism, of packaging, of trading up to the next best upgraded model and needing the latest fashion accessory, the impact of both consuming and disposing is huge. To know in some small way that I was limiting my contribution to environmental sabotage was satisfying.
Where’s the intent?
It gave me real insight into intention. I was shopping with a girlfriend one day (she was shopping, I was wandering) when out of habit I picked up a scarf and was halfway to the check-out counter to pay for it when I realised – firstly that I was just about to break my agreement not to buy anything for twelve months – but more importantly – I’d picked it up and was going to buy it out of habit. Embarrassed and more than a little shocked – I put it back. When I buy things now, that intent stays with me – mostly!
Don’t get me wrong – I still have beautiful possessions – things that I love. But I have them because they mean something to me. I try to make sure they don’t define me (not always successfully) but I do check in to make sure they serve a purpose and that they are positively adding value to my life. How can a motorbike not add value?
Blowouts still happen…
And I still mess up. Occasionally I have a blowout. No matter how often I consciously try to live deliberately with less, every now and then I step into the dark side. And although I understand the difference between “need” and “want”, occasionally I can still convince myself that I really need that red beret!
But the blowouts are less and less. I’m still “progress not perfection”, but I’ve learnt the hard way that no amount of splurging compensates for living my values. Nothing I buy gives meaning to my life. Nothing I hand my credit card over for helps me live my purpose. Nothing I “have to have” gives me the same joy of living just a little more deliberately and with just a little more intention. That’s what makes me happy.
And I’m so grateful that it took a long-standing promise to a beautiful seven-year-old girl to help teach me that lesson.
