From the moment we’re small, we’re told stories.  Good ones at first – like “The Cat in the Hat” – but ever so slowly, the not-so-good ones begin to creep in.  “You’re clumsy”, “Why are you always so untidy”, “Why can’t you be like your sister”…yep – we’ve all heard these stories at some time in our life.

They start innocently at first – maybe it’s a passing comment, a thoughtless remark or something we’ve said in frustration to ourselves.  But t doesn’t take long before these seemingly harmless stories start to take hold – and before we can actually remember where they came from, they’ve changed from stories to beliefs…and by that stage they’re integral in our lives.   

Most of the stories we tell ourselves aren’t true…

But once a story becomes a belief, it starts to shape our world.  It becomes a “truth” that we live by – a value that we hold onto tightly – that has the potential to run our lives.  The stories we tell ourselves control us – they anchor us in fear, they blind us to possibility and they block us from who we’re really meant to be. They hold the key to what we believe about ourselves – and others – and control how we show up in the world.

In short – they strangle us….and I know!  I’ve still got the finger marks around my neck!

So how is it that these damn stories get such control in our lives?  If they’re dragging us down, why do we still choose to hold onto them and not let them go?

It all comes back to fear.  Plain and simple…

Fear may disguise itself in a number of ways….but it certainly is the root that holds these stories strongly in place.

A great disguise that fear uses is “Protection”.  If we’ve been telling ourselves the same stories year after year  – “I’m not loveable”, “I always stuff up”, “Bad things always happen to me” – then we’re safe.  We’re protected.  There’s a reason why our life isn’t turning out the way we want it to….and strangely, it takes the pressure off.  We don’t have to do anything differently because nothing will change.  Our stories have confirmed that! 

The stories we tell ourselves stop us going forward and they keep us in the past.  The “shoulda, woulda, couldas” – haunts us about lost opportunities and hold us in regret, guilt and in judgement.  And that is just not a fun place to be!

There’s also the destructive power of “I am”…

Without a doubt they are the two most powerful words in our language….because the words that follow them inevitably become reality –  “I am useless”, “I’m a dummy” “I am powerless” – whatever follows “I am” usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Then there’s the biggie – fear of change.  Change is damn scary – but if we hold onto our old stories, we have an excuse not to change.  In many ways, our stories have probably served us well – they’ve helped us get to where we are now (and hopefully that’s a pretty good place!). But in order to grow, we may have to let go of them as they no longer serve us – and that often means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

For years, working in a highly competitive, seriously macho environment, I held onto the story of needing to be a warrior – shield up, swords sharpened – ready for attack at all times. In fact, given the cultures of many of the places I worked, it wasn’t just a story but a necessity!

However – believing I needed to be a warrior to survive became my truth.  It defined my values (yep – they were all pretty masculine!), it impacted my beliefs about what I needed to do and who I needed be to stay “safe”.  It held my emotions completely in check – a vulnerable warrior is never going to survive on the battlefield!

If I was a warrior, no-one could hurt me. Mmmm…not quite true – the only person that my belief did actually hurt me was – well, me.  Because I believed a story that was not my truth, and I refused to let it go out fo fear.

Ah – the stories we tell ourselves!

But the good news is – we can change our stories. Yep.  That’s such a powerful statement I’m going to say it again….

We can change our stories…

No matter what stories we’ve been “given”, or that we tell ourselves, we have the power to change them. We can let our stories go and recreate the future by changing our thoughts and our beliefs.  In fact, we can completely rewrite our stories.

They do not have to define us – unless we choose to let them. 

We all have have a choice – we can choose what we hold onto and what we let go.  Eventually the “Warrior” story took it’s toll, leaving me sick, broken and spiritually empty.  It’s damn hard continually being ready for attack, let tell you.  I was thankful for the story – it had enabled me to achieve a lot in my life – both personally and professionally – but when it no longer served me (OK – it was actually starting to destroy me) I made the choice.  I chose to let that story go – and replace it with a new one.

And it was hard.  It had been part of my DNA for so long that I wasn’t sure who I’d be without it.  Turns out I would be different – very different – but I would be who I was meant to be. 

In order to release the Warrior, I engaged a really powerful technique.  It’s called Stop-Disengage-Release-Replace.

Every time I ran back to the safety of the Warrior story, I would physically put my hand up and say “Stop” – then I’d imagine a cord being pulled out of the wall as I saw myself “Disengaging” from the emotional commitment to the story, a huge hot air balloon carrying the story was “Released” to the sky, and I “Replaced” the old story with a new one.  In this case, I choose to be authentic in my life”.

Simple, right?  Well yes and no…..the process is simple but the practice is challenging!!  But it’s work in progress.  It didn’t happen all at once – but every time that story reared it’s ugly head, I’d go through the motions – and eventually the old story lost it’s power and the new story became embedded in my DNA.  That’s not to say that the old warrior doesn’t come out every now and then – sometimes it has to – but now it’s a conscious choice not my default position!

Let go to allow room for amazing opportunities…

My whole life, I felt the need for perfection – the need to be perfect in business, to be the perfect mom, the perfect athlete, the perfect adventurer, to have the perfect life and the perfect look – think Housewives of Beverly Hills without the boobs – but that story took up incredible space and energy in my life.  It was all consuming. 

Spending three months travelling solo round the US on a motorbike helped me “release” that story.  It’s pretty hard to be “perfect” when you’re covered in dust, sweat is coming out from all areas of your body, and you smell like you’ve been sleeping with a raccoon for two weeks! 

When I finally let go of the need for perfection (and yep – it went kicking and screaming) it left space that I could fill up with so many amazing opportunities – like connecting with the world and those around me, carving big space for gratitude, having time to be mindful….positive things that opened my world instead of closing it. Thank God for dust!

Sometimes we just hold onto our stories because we can.  Because we’re lazy.  Because we kinda like the pain.  But ask yourself – if you abandoned your commitment to your story, how would you feel?

If the answer is any of the following:

Fanatic, amazing, relieved, happy, confident, empowered, on fire, powerful, engaged, calm, free – or anything remotely close to these words, then what are you waiting for?  Abandon your commitment to the story, release it and rewrite it!  You’ll find the whole world opens up when you connect with your heart. 

Choose to let go of the past…

If there are stories that you’re holding onto where you’re still sitting in judgement of yourself, accept that fact that you can’t change the past. You don’t need to reach back in time – it serves no purpose.  You can keep hanging onto the story as long as you want but it won’t change anything.

So accept accountability and go through the “Stop-Disengage-Release-Replace process.   By all means, accept the stories from the past but don’t let them define you.   Move on but with a clear perspective of what will be different next time.

So….how do we change our stories?  In three easy steps….

• Remember the power of “I am” and make sure that the words that follow them are positive, compelling and make a statement about who you really are
• When you playback a story – ask yourself “is it true”.  Chances are it isn’t – so change it.  And even if it is true – if it’s not a story that serves you – so change it!
• Remember Stop-Disengage-Release-Replace – pull the plug on your old story – send it skyward and find yourself an amazing replacement. 

You have the power to change your story – you just need to give yourself permission.