For the last few weeks I’ve been scared.
Yep. There’s no two ways about it – except that maybe I’m underselling my fear a little. I’ve actually been terrified…scared to the point of having the feeling of dread sit in the bottom of my stomach like cement.
Scared is for wimps. What I’ve been feeling is raw, unmitigated, numbing fear…
Yet it’s crazy…I’ve been scared because I’m about to embark on a dream – a dream I’ve nurtured in my heart for longer than I can remember. I should be excited – I should be energised and on fire…after all, I’m about to realise something that I’ve been building to – consciously and unconsciously for years….and yet…yet…
I’ve been feeling paralyzed.
But maybe I should take you back a bit.
Nepal has always had a special place in my heart…
My husband Robbie and I honeymooned there hundreds of years ago (OK – it was only 33 years ago but it feels like hundreds!!). Most people choose a romantic location for their honeymoon – like Paris or a luxurious, secluded island…we chose three weeks hard yakka trekking in Nepal.
And despite the blisters, the never-ending supply of dahl and some interesting parasites that came home with us – I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Nepal captured me like nowhere else ever has. Her people were warm and open-hearted, her culture rich and vibrant, and her natural beauty nothing short of breathtaking. Around every corner was a pure moment of awe.
Yep. Nepal held my heart tightly. And interestingly – more tightly than I realised. About 10 years ago I had a vivid dream of building a school in Nepal. The dream was so real I could touch it. But family, business and life completely got in the way. There was no way I was ready. But the dream had been had.
Then about 5 years ago I did a course with my spiritual guide, and at the end of the course I got to create a board – kind of like a vision board but different. Instead of putting pictures of the things I wanted in life (a vision board) I just scanned magazines and pulled out pictures and phrases and images that spoke to me – even if I didn’t know why. The only rule was that I couldn’t second guess what I’d pulled out or why – if it spoke, I stuck it on.
It was only when we were analysing it that I realised about 60% of the board was about Nepal – pictures of the mountains, of people, of the culture…ok – about 30% was about bikes – no surprises…but Nepal I didn’t really understand then.
But I do now…
That Nepal seedling that was planted all those years ago, has been quietly growing and is now ready to sprout!
I’ve been really blessed in my life, and I guess that’s one of the advantages of “getting old” – you reach a point where you’ve ticked a lot of things off and you’re now in a position to give back and hopefully make a difference to someone else other than the barista that you’ve single handedly kept in business over the years…well, I have anyway!
I’ve started to look at my life in thirds…the first 30 years were about “doing me”, the next thirty years were about my family and my career, and the next thirty – well, that’s about being of service. I figure that’ll take me up till I’m 90 and then I’ll renegotiate with the Universe!! Can’t wait to see what that looks like!
But I wasn’t sure what “giving back” would look like until I dragged out my old board for some clues, and then started having very vivid dreams about Nepal. Of course!! That’s how I would serve. I’d go back to Nepal and build a school!! That was it!
I figured Nepal needed my help…or maybe I needed Nepal!
In the four years following the devastating earthquake in 2015 which killed over 9,000 people and left hundreds of thousands more homeless, only 1/3 of previously existing schools had been rebuilt. Children were either going to school in seriously tough circumstances – out in the open in harsh temperatures, often with no sanitation, water or resources, or just not going at all either because their school didn’t exist, or they were needed to work and support their families.
There’s a terrifying statistic – that 37% of Nepalese children between the ages of 5 and 17 are invested in “slavery”. That just took my breathe away. As the mother of children, I couldn’t imagine my boys living that life.
I figured somehow – if I could build a school, I could help.
And then the fear started…
The first fear was being completely overwhelmed. Where do you even start building a school in Nepal? There’s so much help that’s needed, and the scale of the problem is so huge – geographically, culturally, logistically – that it’s almost impossible to know where to make a difference. I sure as hell didn’t. And with the feeling of being “overwhelmed” comes paralysis. When you don’t know what to do, you do nothing. Or at least I did.
Then there was the fear of adding to the confusion. They call it the “Second Tsunami”. After the earthquake, Nepal was inundated with volunteers and helpers – people looking to provide aid. And although most were well-meaning, when times got tough and money ran short, many groups pulled out leaving more chaos, half completed projects and financially and emotionally abandoned children.
And that was my fear. Would that be me?
I didn’t want to just come in and build something without understanding cultural sensitivities, or without engaging wholeheartedly with the community. I wanted to make sure whatever I created was sustainable in the long term and that it actually provided the community with what they really needed – not what I thought they needed…just for a change!
But my biggest fear? Was building a school listening to my heart or listening to my ego. Did I want to build a school because I truly believed that was how I was called to help and serve…or was I doing it because I wanted to feel good about myself.
Now that was a tough one.
I’ve always been a kinda “Go big of go home” girl…
No surprises there. Once I’d put it out there that I was going to build a school, I was going to build a school dammit!!
That old masculine energy kicked in and I grabbed it wholeheartedly – pushing through my fears (or choosing not to listen to them) and trying to force my way through the challenges – trying to set up meetings, learning about building materials, locations, teacher training, resources, water supplies…but I was finding it hard to get momentum – and I hadn’t even left Sydney!
It was incredibly tough and frustrating – until I chose to let go…
I let go of the Big Dream…I let go of trying to work out every step towards the destination…I let go of trying too hard and needing to be prescriptive…and I let go of my ego (well, a little…I’m pretty sure it’s still there!).
Simon Sinek has a great book (and a brilliant Ted Talk) – “Start with Why”. He teaches that most of us start with the What. The “What” is what we do…then we move into the “How” – how we’re going to do it…and occasionally we then get to the “Why” – why it’s important to us.
He reminds us that in life – true success both personally and professionally comes when we start with the Why. It’s about getting clear on our purpose, our beliefs and our values and why we exist. After we understand our Why, our What and our How are almost inconsequential.
The big lesson for me, was that in trying to give back I was being driven by the What. Everything was centred around What I Wanted to Achieve…and not my Why. Why was this journey so important to me.
Sure, I could build a school (my What)…but at this stage that actually wasn’t important. What I had to get clear on first was my Why.
And so I sat with it until it emerged…
My Why had been there all along – I’d just been too blind to see it.
My Why is simple – my purpose is to help children and women out of poverty through education.
That’s what I’m here to do next. That’s what I’ve been building to for years. It’s not a separate chapter in my life – it’s actually a flowing experience.
And the cool thing is, that the How and What can now be anything that comes my way. The How will be through volunteering, becoming part of a community, learning, absorbing, becoming culturally sensitive and aware…and the What? That can take so many paths now – it could eventually be a school, or a shelter, or a programme for teacher training and employment…it could be setting up micro loans for women, it could be working with an orphanage…it could be anything!
I have no idea what it will eventually be – but I do know that now I’m clear on my Why – the What will take care of itself! How cool is that??
And the really beautiful lesson for me – if surrendering to my Why wasn’t enough – was that when I let go – when I stopped being prescriptive and controlling and trying to push my dream into a box…the world opened up. I got traction.
When I stepped back and said to the Universe “OK – I’m handing this over to you. I’m just going to follow my heart, let go of expectations and be open to everything that comes my way”, then surprisingly (OK – not so surprisingly!!) everything did come my way!
In the last week I’ve made breathtaking connections with amazing people – people who are running schools for deaf children, shelters for widows, shelters for girls sold into slavery, schools that need help being rebuilt in remote locations, village women needing help setting up a sewing business, teachers needing training…all opportunities I’ve been given the chance to explore, learn from and work with.
So, this week, I travel to Nepal to fulfil my Why. The How and The What will take whatever course they’re meant to…so long as I continue to be clear on my purpose and be Ok with surrendering to however it’s meant to evolve. My long-term goal will always be a school, but right now it’s just about rolling up my sleeves and helping wherever I’m needed. Even if I only help one person, then hopefully I’ve made a difference.
So am I still scared? Yep. A little…
But it’s a different fear. It’s the fear of being stretched…of maybe being a little out of control and certainly out of my comfort zone…but that’s OK. That’s a fear I can work with. That’s a fear I know well, and one that will serve me and help me to grow.
And when all else fails…when that fear starts to overwhelm, there’s just one place I go. I go back to my Why…and everything makes beautiful sense.
