One of the most important things we can do for ourselves – for our own selffulness – for our own wholeheartedness and overall well-being, is to establish boundaries in our lives.

Now I’m gonna put my hand up here and say setting boundaries has always been a challenge for me.  Being a consummate people-pleaser and a recovering perfectionist (mmm…still “work-in-progress” in both those areas!) establishing boundaries was always difficult.

I was always the one who was bone-numbingly exhausted from work/kids/life but who’d say “yes” to helping a friend move without blinking…or I’d have exactly 3 hours unallocated a week but couldn’t refuse taking on soccer coaching duties…or long-lost friends would say “let’s get together” – and all of a sudden I’m making dinner for 20 people (and if you know me – making dinner for 2 people stresses me to the point of hyperventilation – so you can imagine the state I was in at 20!!).

Boundaries?  What boundaries? 

I let people take control of my life.  And the crazy thing was that they weren’t doing it intentionally – I was opening up my life and saying, “Help yourself…take what you need…I wasn’t using it anyway!”  And so, they did! They took my energy, my time, my emotions – but it wasn’t their fault.  They were completely oblivious to my boundaries – and frankly, so was I.

Every time I said “yes” when my heart, my body, and my head said “no” – I felt it.  I felt resentment, disappointment, exhaustion – I felt mistreated, angry frustrated – and usually, pretty pissed off.  But the trouble was – I was pissed off with others – when really I should have been pissed off with myself.

Because it wasn’t about what was being done to me – it was about what I was letting be done to me.  I had the control, but by not setting boundaries or holding people accountable – I was choosing not to use it.  Feeling constantly taken advantage of was not something that was happening to me – it was something I was choosing for myself!  I simply wasn’t taking responsibility for my own well-being.

Damn it – I hate it when that happens!

Eventually I started to burn out – and it was only then that I realised two things…Number One – I didn’t actually have many defined boundaries…and Number Two – the ones I had I didn’t reinforce or hold people accountable for.

Boundaries are actually pretty simple…  

They’re just lists of things that are OK and not OK for us in our lives.  You’re able to set boundaries when you understand yourself – when you know what you need and want, and when you listen to that quiet inner voice that lets you know when you’re living in your integrity.

The trick though to setting boundaries is being really clear on what’s cool and what’s not, and then being strong enough within your integrity to hold fast to those standards. To be more committed to your own well-being, than worrying about pleasing others or being liked – or my big one – not wanting to let people down.

I was scared to say “no” – or to be clear on what I wanted and needed for my own nurturing – because I felt guilty.  Saying “no” threw up all kinds of deep-seated fears for me (kinda like my fear of dropping my bike but worse…)

“So can’t do everything perfectly after all?”

“You’re not being a supportive friend”

“But who’s going to do it if you don’t?”

The bottom line – as it usually is – was that this all stemmed from a belief of not feeling worthy enough.  From not believing that what I needed or wanted mattered.  From believing that I needed to put others first – that keeping them happy was my priority.

Because that way I’d be safe…

No-one would question what an “amazing Mom/friend, wife, colleague” I was.

Sound familiar?

But since when did we not become a priority…in fact – since when did we not become THE priority in our lives??

In effect I was saying “OK – I’ll accept this crap – it’s not what I need, it’s not what I want and this behaviour impacts me to my core…but I’ll accept it, otherwise I might not be loved. 

Because I didn’t feel worthy, I didn’t set boundaries… 

By not setting boundaries, I was showing the world how little respect I had for myself.

 As Brene Brown beautifully puts it – I needed to:

“..make the journey from ‘What people think’ to ‘I am enough’.”

 And yep – the journey was a long one, but it’s one that’s changed my life.

The first step was to get clear on what my boundaries were.  If I wasn’t clear about what was OK and what wasn’t – how could I hold others and importantly – myself accountable?

Self-awareness was key…  

I learnt to pay close attention to situations, people, actions that caused me to lose energy, to feel a gnawing in my stomach (that wasn’t hunger) or that created resentment or anger.  Identifying where I needed more self-respect, energy, space or personal power was critical.

Answering a couple of questions helped me find that clarity:

1. I have a right to ask for……
2. To protect my time and energy, it’s ok to….
3. It’s not acceptable to…

Understanding the boundaries I needed order in to live with integrity and within my values was a game changer. Particularly when I realised it was all about me – because a boundary is something I set for myself.

It’s not about controlling others or their behaviours… 

Heaven knows I’ve tried – but we can’t change people or their reactions.  Instead it’s about blaming others less and to holding myself more accountable for asking for what I need.  I can’t control others, but I can control how I deal with them – and what I’ll accept.

And I need to communicate what I’ll accept.  Most people aren’t psychic strangely enough, but my actions speak louder than words.  If I’m living my boundaries and respecting them myself, then often, they won’t need to be communicated.

But sometimes they will, so I need to be brave – even in tough conversations – and remember…that my boundaries hold me in my integrity – and that I deserve to have them honoured.

There’s no need to defend my boundaries or to over-explain what I need – the fact that I need them should be reason enough.  If I meet resistance, I hold my ground, because:

“When a boundary is set, and you get immediate pushback the boundary was well overdue”                                Unknown

So, what happens when someone crosses a boundary?

You need to stay strong…if you let a boundary slip, you invite people to ignore your needs.  You have to hold people – and yourself – accountable.  There has to be action and consequences – and if the consequences aren’t adhered to, the boundaries have no value.  Because you don’t value them enough to matter.

But it’s not about creating ultimatums…the consequences need to be about what you’re going to do as a result of the line crossing.  You.  Not anyone else.  If someone tramples over my boundaries, there’s no judgement or preaching – no anger or resentment (well…not all the time!!) – because the boundaries are what I’ve set for me.  It’s about what I’m going to do to control the things I can control.

It’s about loving myself enough to take action in the face of someone else’s unacceptable behaviour.  Because boundaries are about honouring my needs and not judging other people’s choices.  And if I don’t take action – who will?  They’re my boundaries after all.

But I don’t get off scot-free here either…   

As I hold other people accountable – I have to hold myself in the same space.  I have to be authentic – to mean what I say and say what I mean.  I have to let my behaviour do the talking.

If I say that one of my core values is Connectivity – and a boundary for me is not talking about other people…and then I sit down with girlfriends for a good old gossip session – what’s that saying about my boundaries and their importance to me?  (I’m really working at not doing that – I promise!!).

We need to hold ourselves even more accountable than we hold others, because people learn how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Boundaries are a result of self-respect and love, and if we can’t honour our own boundaries, then it’s pretty damn hard to expect others to!

By establishing our boundaries and holding others and ourselves accountable, we’re making a statement of our worth.

We’re saying:

“I matter.  I matter to me.  What I need matters.  What I believe in matters…and living in my integrity and being true to my values matters more than my need to be like or approved of.  And if I matter to you, then you’ll honour my boundaries – whether you understand them or not – and you will be OK with that.”

We have to release what people might think of us.  We have to release the perpetual need to please and be perfect.  Easy to say – and tough to do for sure – but we have to know that we are enough to be able to say “enough!”.

There could be fall out – we could lose relationships along the way but sometimes that’s the price we pay for truly living in our integrity and staying true to our values.

As the immortal Maya Angelou reminds us:

“The price is high.  The reward is great.”

So be confident in who you are and what you need – and be strong in your own personal power.  Set those boundaries and hold onto them tightly – because you deserve to wholeheartedly live in your integrity.