Connor my youngest son has just left home.  After 4 long years at University, he’s heading off to travel the world – to explore both this incredible planet in which we live, and to explore himself – to find out who he really is in this world.

And it hurts.  Damn it – it hurts.  What is it about our kids?  We give them wings and teach them how to fly – and then they do!  They fly away!  How does that happen?  They leave the nest and step out into the world – confident, powerful and contained – all the things we’ve helped make them.  And yet – despite knowing what we’ve achieved as parents, the pain of departure – the pain of change is so acute.

What is it about the change that hurts so much? 

It’s not as if I’m losing him forever – he will always be my son – he will always be my baby (despite weighing twice what I do!!), he will always be my child…..but as he steps out of our home, I know our relationship will go to a different place.  It will change. Our relationship will no longer primarily be mother/son – it will transition to mentor and friend.  And as exciting as that is – and to be honest we’re probably there already – there is a finality about that change that keeps me wanting to hang on. I’m not ready to let go of that role….just yet.

When my oldest son Jake unexpectedly catapulted his life to Canada four years ago, the pain of that loss was breathtaking.  Literally. There were times when I struggled for breathe as I waded through the fog of loss.  It’s not as if I expected my boys to live around me for the rest of their lives (OK – maybe I really did expect that – or at least hope for it!!) but to have my oldest son suddenly grab a career opportunity at 19 and move his whole life to the other side of the world was just so damn hard. 

And I fought it.  I dug in deep, not wanting to let go – not being ready to let go.  Extricating myself from Jake’s life was painful – and often not pretty – as I struggled to find the tricky balance between involvement and abdication!

Yet – in many ways I was the one who left home… 

When my life stopped making sense a few years after Jakey’s departure, I left home – I left my husband and my youngest son to ride a motorbike around the US on my own – to try and make peace with who’d I’d become and who I needed to be.  The two were very different and that gap needed to be filled!

But I was still a Mum – and before it looks as if I was being incredibly selfish – (I’d say “self-full” – but that’s a story for another time), Connor was 19….and as I explained to him – he was “already cooked”.  He was “done”. He needed no more input from me.

And he doesn’t (Ok – maybe just a bit of fine tuning!). He’s already seizing the world and is a force to be reckoned with at 21.  And yet….in letting him step out into the world – letting him leave “home” for the last time, it feels like I have a ten ton weight on my heart.  Because nothing will ever be the same.

It’s the end of an era… 

It’s the end of our “family” as we’ve known it…and yep….it’s just a transition – and I get that….but it’s the end of having coffee together every morning and making dinner together every night – it’s the end of family adventures, of boring routines, of debating who’s turn it is to take out the recycling, of shopping every Saturday morning, of dancing to daggy ‘80s music (ABBA has a lot to answer for), it’s the end of the normality of life that we’ve known for the last 21 years….and it feels like it’s the end of our team.

I know it’s not – but it sure as hell feels like it right now.  I know we will do all these things together again – but it won’t be the same.  It’ll be different.  And right now – I don’t want it to be different.  I’m stamping my feet…I want everything to stay the same – exactly as it is right now.

Except it can’t. And it shouldn’t. It’s time to change – it’s time to make that transition….no matter how hard it is. 

And I have a choice… 

I can choose to hang onto the amazing life that we’ve known together as a family – to secure that life away and protect it carefully like a bruise…..or I can grieve it (just a little) and then step forward into the next stage of our journey together as a family – and embrace the incredible opportunities – and growth – that it will bring us all. 

But damn it’s hard being a grown up sometimes!  Right now I’d like to hide under the duvet and pretend that my world isn’t going to change – but it will whether I like it or not – and in that change I can either fight it or welcome it.

I choose to grab it with both hands and open arms (or I will soon!). I choose to be grateful for the incredible relationship we have as a family – and although the strength of our relationship does make the transition harder – it’s a gift I hold onto with all my heart.  And I embrace the fact that our relationship as a team will now be different – not better or worse – just different….and that difference will create adventures, and opportunities and growth that I can’t even imagine.

And I choose to let go…

I choose to let my son go without the kicking and screaming that I so desperately want to do – because in letting go, we make the transition we both need.  Him to a self reliant man, and me to the role that he now needs me to take – that of mentor and friend. 

Yet I know – deep down inside, that I will always be his Mum – and although he won’t need me to tie his shoes, or make his lunch or put a band aide on his cuts, he will still need the powerful, breathtaking love that as a mother, I will always have for him.  Always.