A few weeks ago, my beautiful extended family arrived from all over the globe to help me celebrate my birthday.  Some were expected – some were a surprise – but it was breathtakingly brilliant to have both my boys who now live overseas, and my precious and ever-growing family with me for ten crazy days.

It was the usual riot of chaos and confusion – laughter and occasional tears as we tried to jam a lifetime of new memories into not enough days together.  And the house was loud – really loud – as people fell over themselves trying to catch up with old friends, introducing new members of the family to old members of the family, and squeezing the life out of every moment and ever opportunity we had to be together.

It was nuts.  Seriously nuts…

But joyous beyond words.  My heart just busted with happiness as familiar voices cascaded up and down the stairs, old routines were picked up where they’d been left off, favourite embarrassing stories were dragged out, and laughter exploded everywhere.

And although everything had changed, in this moment of time – nothing had. My family was back together – I could hug them, hold their hands, see their smiles, watch their expressions…and I could see love – every minute of the day.  I could feel it, express it and share it – face to face – instead of through technology.  And it was perfect.  Even in the chaos, I was so content.  Seriously – joy oozed out of every pore.

And then…just as quickly as they’d come…they all left…on the same day.  With one foul swoop – or synchronicity of airline schedules – they were here in the morning and all gone by lunchtime.

My boys went off to live their lives of adventure overseas (Don’t you hate that??  You give them wings and teach them how to fly…and then dammit, they do!!), and emptiness descended…physical and emotional.  That unbearable sound of my boys having shut the front door and left home for good – again.

And with them, went my joy…

Knowing that we will never live together as a family is really hard to come to grips with sometimes.  I know it’s life – and that if I’m truly to let them go, it’s the way it should be (although truth be known I still kick and scream a little!!)…but it never gets any easier.

Sometimes I wonder about us all getting together, because it’s so damn hard when we separate again!  It’s kind of like saying you’re going to cut the tail off a dog and to make it easier you’ll just cut off little bits at a time!  Or maybe not!!  Maybe it’s just like ripping a band aide off – again and again and again.

But here’s the thing…

As painful as it is when they go – and believe me it is heart breakingly painful – what choice do I have?  The only way to spare myself of the pain is to not experience the joy. As if that’s ever going to happen!!

But I think sometimes we’re all guilty of that…being too scared to step into joy because pain is potentially involved.

We don’t embrace love because we might get hurt…

We don’t want to take the new job because we might screw it up…we don’t want to open up because we might allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  But look at what we miss out on when we hold back!  I’ve been around the block too many times now to hold back…maybe that’s one of the benefits of age (I’m sure there must be others??) but I’ll risk the pain for joy anytime!

But I also know that it’s up to me to find the joy.  Without a doubt my family give me an incredible shot of contentment…but I can’t depend on being with them to be my only source.  I have to find the joy in my own life – I have to take responsibility for creating my own joy – because if the only time I can step into that beautiful emotion is when we’re together, then the other 50 weeks of the year are gonna be pretty bleak!

So, after I dried the last of my tears at the Departure Gate, I gave myself a day (ok – maybe two!) to be a little sad…and to allow myself to feel the emptiness of not having all my family with me…but then it was time to shake myself up and step back into creating joy.

I was in Telluride a few years ago and I heard Dr Jill Bolte Taylor talk about the “6 S’s of Joy” – and they’ve been my “go to” insights when I’ve needed to boot myself up the butt, stop feeling sorry for myself and go to a more powerful, positive place.

Here they are…

1. Surrender – go with rather than against what’s happening – be open to the joy that’s possible in every situation
2. Savour – stop and notice the good within and around you. Enjoy it.
3. Story – change your story – you don’t need to hold onto old stories from the past
4. Shift – when you change your physical state, your mental and emotional state will also change
5. Surround – yourself with joy boosting people, images, objects and sounds
6. Spread – do something to spread joy to someone else

And so the last few days – even though I’ve been sad – I’ve stepped back into joy by accepting that my boys are living the lives that I dreamed for them – even though they’re miles away from me (Surrender), I’ve been grateful that our separation is as hard as it is because we are so close as a family (Savour), I’ve reminded myself that even though our family dynamic has changed and we’re now apart, we will always be a family (Story), the nature trails around my house have seen a lot of my running shoes (Shift), beautiful candles have been lit everywhere and music that energises me has been played really loudly (Surround) and I’ve send notes to friends I haven’t spoken to in ages – reminding them how loved they are (Spread).

And breathe…

Finding joy is a choice.  We can’t just sit around and wait for the contentment stick to be waved over us…or to put our happiness into the hands of someone else.  It takes action.  We have to take responsibility for creating that beautiful emotion, knowing that no matter what, if we consciously put ourselves in the way of joy, we’ll find it.

Even when our boys are gone!